Again. Fear.
It’s something that comes into my mind, and kinda goes like this:
You’re afraid because you have a lot of things you want to keep, and you fear losing even one of it.
I remember something from a movie, I’m not sure what it is, maybe Fight Club? I think Tyler Durden said something like he’s not afraid of losing anything, because he has nothing else to lose.
Because you have nothing else, it will only be for the better. You’ll only start to gain.
Yes, I have a lot of things (not just material things)
I have a happy life, and everytime I get happier and happier I feel fear knocking on the corner, because I imagine myself in a situation when one of these blessings will suddenly be wiped away, and I think, how will I deal with that situation?
If a major tragedy struck me, what would I do? Would I recover? Will I fall into an endless pit of despair and depression? Would I kill myself, or drag people down to suffer with me?
I think people don’t usually admit it to themselves, but somehow, deep down, we don’t want to suffer ALONE. We want somebody to suffer WITH US, for the reason that it lessens the burden we carry. We feel that we’re not the only one to undergo that suffering, that pain, that fear. We know someone who understands exactly what it means to be hurt inside, someone who doesn’t only KNOW the pain we feel, but also UNDERSTANDS. There’s a difference between knowing and understanding.
Drag somebody down to suffer with us? or suffer alone? Which one?
It’s right to bear the suffering without causing pain to others, but it’s HARD.
For example, I’ll come up with a simple situation or perspective that might be relatable.
Sample:
In a given situation where the people around me are all happy while I’m in a bad mood or feeling like shit, I want someone to feel like shit with me. Because I know that even though they try to comfort me, they don’t UNDERSTAND the pain I feel. They don’t experience the shit I’m going through. I might only find comfort in the words of someone who is going through the same—or greater—pain than me, because they know how bad it feels like. Sometimes it’s annoying to hear “It’s okay” from people. Especially when you know that it’s NOT.
“It’s okay? How the fuck would you know?”
It also depends on the perspective of a person. He or she may dwell too much in the misery, or pick himself up and carry on in a flash. But not all of us are strong enough to just grab our bags and walk away from the pain…. We have to grieve it over……. maybe even for a long long long time, but not forever.
I just imagine if I lose a loved one….. and I think of myself falling in despair. I’d probably not be the same anymore. (My wild imagination gives me needless worries and fear) Dammit!
Dammit! Acccckkkkk. I’m just wondering if anybody out there feels like this.
We’re not so kind, no?
And if we think like this,
we’re not so strong either.
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I used to feel that way.
Welcome aboard, human! 